Saturday, January 8, 2011

Top 5 Wimpiest Videogame Weapons

Given the FPS genre's freight train-like popularity, it's undeniable that the act of fragging bad guys with totem pole-sized guns isn't losing its appeal. While splashy kills in games like Bulletstorm, Rage, and Gears Of War 3 snag nonstop gaming-news coverage, it's easy enough to take for granted or even forget about gaming's wussiest weapons -- firearms that exist solely to make the simple task of murder nigh-on impossible.

In the spirit of the New Year, we put down our BFG 9000s and beat the war drum for weapons that will only get you laughed at in combat.

5. Bubble Gun, Earthworm Jim 2
Far more of a liability than an asset, Jim's soap bubble-dispensing gun is on par with Mario's poison mushroom in that it masquerades as a power-up, when in fact it should be avoided at all costs. It does no damage whatsoever to enemies, slows you down in that race against Psy-Crow, and even in real life the children's toy isn't much fun. It's obviously included as a joke.

4. Leaf Shield, Mega Man 2
They say the best offense is a good defense, but Wood Man's power is arguably neither of these. Then again, what would you really expect from a robot that's modeled after a tree trunk? Its usefulness is marginal at best depending on your play style, but again: it's a freaking shield made of leaves.

3. Solar Gun, Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns Of The Patriots
Who knew going green was so popular? Old Snake hops on the eco-bandwagon in this excursion, obtaining this firearm after enduring for a given time with non-lethal tactics. It uses solar energy to incapacitate enemies, which is nice, though the firearm is somewhat useless since sunlight is awfully scarce for most of the game. Heck, children playing with a magnifying glass on a clear sunny day near an anthill are more dangerous than Snake toting this gun.

2. Wooden Sword, Ninja Gaiden
In this modern-era reboot to the unforgivably tough NES series, you'll face down dragons, ninjas, zombies, tentacled freaks, tanks, and helicopters; so why on earth would you ever take a wooden practice weapon with you? Its purpose is twofold: To allow for a greater challenge for masochists everywhere, and to provide an easy, albeit grinding way out for those who opt to upgrade it multiple times to unlock its ultimate form, the Unlabored Flawlessness. It does next to no damage in its original state, and your best attack plan against lightning-shooting worms and fire-breathing dragons is to hope the flimsy bludgeon gives them a splinter and eventually gets infected. Ryu would be better off just popping a cyanide capsule and embracing the inevitable.

1. Red Ryder BB Gun, Fallout series
Seriously, if you're playing Fallout with this BB gun (obviously inspired by A Christmas Story), you're doing it solely for the bragging rights. You simply won't get far shooting ball bearings at mutants, which you're far more likely to run into than ominous pigeons or menacing tin cans. The deck is stacked so impossibly against you with it: it does next to no damage, its ammo is scarce, and worst of all, you'll likely shoot an eye out.

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